Not-so-hopeless

 

This week has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. It’s funny how everything is fine until something kicks you over the edge. For me, it was the last Episode of Freaks and Geeks. I remember having that feeling of a connection with the characters, and naivity when thinking that everything works out smoothly in the end. I felt the same way when I watched Garden State for the first time. After the episode was finished, I started listening to the soundtrack to Garden State, and it was all downhill from there. 

I felt like I couldn’t handle who I was or what was happening to me. The fact that I’ve been through 5 jobs in the last year (See also: Starbucks, Splitz Grill, unemployment, Tigertel, Photochannel, unemployment, a day in telemarketing and Our Town) and every time I felt like I was beginning to find something that I loved, it was time to move on. It’s hard trying to cope with things that are happening to you as opposed to you creating them. 

I started thinking about the goals I’ve set for myself. I’m not old, but I’m not going to get any younger. I’ve decided that I’m going to try to go back to school at some point in the near future. The only thing holding me back is a previous student loan, that doesn’t seem to be getting paid off in any haste. I just feel like if I was to go back to school, I would want to solely focus on that, rather than being completely stressed trying to maintain a steady income. 

The goal that I’ve set for myself is to pay off $5,000 of my student loan this year, which is half of what I owe. Once that’s done, then I’ll start thinking about school. I just stress myself out thinking about it, though, so I’m going to stop while I’m ahead. 

In the past, I’ve been the person that has to move once a year, just for variety. I’ve been in the same place for a year and 8 months, and it’s driving me crazy. I’m tired of living below ground, and not getting any sunlight. I’m tired of spending so much time cleaning, only to find that this place still looks like a hole. And I’m tired of having so little living space. The only things holding me back are the excellent location, and the amount of money that it takes to move. And finding new roommates. I’m kind of waiting for a few select people to see what their plans are for the next little while. Maybe I’ll move in the summer. That would be nice.

I find it funny that goals are supposed to be positive, yet I turn them into a reason to stress out. 

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But, I still have hope that I’ll figure things out. And I’m sure I will. It’s just frustrating when people give you the advice of ‘Don’t worry, everything works out in the end.’ 

Enough of my ranting. It’s supposed to be 9 degrees and sunny on Saturday! Yay for Vancouver winter weather!

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3 responses to “Not-so-hopeless

  1. Beg, borrow and steal if you want to go back to school!

  2. Aw Awmbs – I need to talk to you this weekend, I miss you madly.

    And your idea sounds amazing! That’s a fantastic middle ground, as is moving in the summer – maybe I can come to vancity and help you move! = )

  3. Hey! First of all, I shake my first at your winter weather. (Although it has been freakishly warm here the last couple of days … -2 so I can’t shake my fist too hard).

    Second of all, hakuna matata. I find the stress is easiest to deal with, if you handle it incrementally. Pick away at it in slow bits – like the student loan, figure out how much you can pay a month and how long it will take you to pay off. then you will feel better.

    Third of all, school is manageable if you do it part-time while keeping a job. Granted it has taken me twice as long to graduate.

    Fourth of all, remember to pat yourself on the back always because you are fantastic.

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