In the last few weeks I’ve felt more and more unsettled about where my life is going. I know that I’m young, and that I have a lot to look forward to, but I can’t help but doubt myself sometimes. I’m working a mediocre job that pays an average wage, that isn’t very creatively challenging. I have more than $10,000 of debt hanging over my head, and parents that will definitely not support my efforts of going back to school. I don’t even know what I would want to do if I had the chance to go back to school full time. Probably start my studies broadly and narrow down when I got closer to something I enjoyed and could imagine myself doing forever. Isn’t that what most people do?
I don’t understand why there is so much pressure to choose to study something that you’re going to want to do for the rest of your life. Whenever I tell my family that I want to go back to school, they automatically ask what I want to do, analyzing their mental inventory, remembering that I have now gone to 2 schools and haven’t used anything from either of them. But the only thing that I can answer them with is, ‘Who the hell wants to do one thing for the rest of their lives? And who’s business is it to know my business?’ I mean, do you know anyone that actually sticks with what they study forever? I don’t understand why there is so much pressure in trying to choose what you want to study when I’m most likely to have a mid-life-crisis-career-change when I’m 45 anyway.
This sort of stuff is even effecting my day to day routine (if you can say that I have one) and my overall mood. I feel like all I want to do is sit at home lately and do what I want. Craft, be alone, watch movies, read other blogs, and actually have time for myself… This whole 9-5 business is not helping my lifestyle right now. The pay cheque may be helping, but the hours aren’t. I can’t help but feeling that it’s not fair for everyone else around me (my mood, that is). The weather is getting nicer, and I’m supposed to be socializing and having fun! Instead, I’m getting stressed out about things that I can’t control right now.
And I’ve even tried analysing it further, thinking that the reason why I’m unhappy sometimes is because I’m learning that I’d rather be living without roommates and on my own for once in my life. There are select people that I would love to live with again, but my situation right now is just okay. And I’d rather have that space to be mine, rather than having it influenced by someone else’s opinion about where things should go and who takes out the garbage.