Lonesome Hibernation

Last year around this time was very hard for me to live through, and it feels like it all sort of hit me like a ton of bricks today; that I’ve really been through a lot. A sort-of-relationship ended somewhat mutually, I lost my job, found 2 new jobs, quit a job, quit another job and found another job after that. I got broken into twice in a month, moved into a new house, and found out I don’t get along with some people as well as I thought I did. I found some closure on an incident that happened with a friend a few years ago, and finally let him go (for the most part). I rekindled some friendships and made new ones along the way. This year I lived through the most snow and heat Vancouver has seen in 20 years.

Autumn always feels like the most reflective time of the year for me. It’s the time of year where the climate changes so dramatically, and the days start getting shorter. I know the right time more socially accepted time to reflect is during the New Year, but you don’t feel the change in the middle of winter as much as you do now. I think part of it for me is that it feels like my anniversary with the city of Vancouver and what it took to make it this far. It’s not only the year I’m reflective of, but my life. And Vancouver has played a major part of that. Thanksgiving is the weekend that I met my first friends in Vancouver when I moved here 4 years ago, and the first time I really felt connected with the city.

It’s a time where I start feeling the longing of staying home and being cozy, and where I feel the loneliest. I’ve come to the conclusion that during the fall people start preparing for hibernation, and realize that they don’t want to go through it alone. So there they are, finding someone to spend the winter with, exploring their warmth, and those people who don’t find anyone freeze all winter. It’s always so depressing realizing that you may just end up spending another miserably cold winter alone.

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, but overly aware. Looking back on the things I have been through this year makes me feel so strong and so overwhelmed. It’s hard to think about all of the instances lived through in a year all at once and maintain a stable piece of mind at the same time.

There are those things that were negative throughout the year:
-I killed my computer with coffee
-I lost a reasonable job in a nice office
-I worked in a warehouse basically located outside in the middle of the winter
-My house got broken into twice
-Steve didn’t come home
-I’m beginning to feel like my virginity is growing back
-I didn’t enroll in school like I said I would
-My occupational life feels stagnant
-I didn’t get a proper vacation again this year
-I am apparently still living paycheck to paycheck and find it impossible to save

There are those things that were positive throughout the year:
-I didn’t get a bad sunburn all year (first time ever)
-I found a stable job that pays well
-I got a pet rat that I love dearly
-I did a few things with makeup that were fun
-I rediscovered such things as old 80s kids movies and Elvis Presley
-I lived through my first dentist visit in 4 years (with about 3 more to come)
-I started riding my bike regularly
-I discovered creativity within myself for crafting
-I think I quit smoking for good
-I joined yoga and started eating healthier
-I’ve learned to embrace my emotions
-I’ve realized that high wasted skirts will inevitably get me through life, and that I still absolutely hate wearing pants

I’m sure there are more things that I should add to this list, but feel that you may be a bit bored already, and that if I dig deeper I may end up in a bit of a rut. I’ve been realizing that there are some things that I have to open up to, and others that I need to let go. And although I find it may not be entirely safe or fair to say exact details here, that the vagueness gets the point across.

For now, I’m going to focus on myself and how I want to live my life. I want to start making Christmas gifts and knitting and finding balance. I want to feel less of the pressure of having to accomplish things that others want me to do, and more ease within myself.

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Reading this post a few hours after writing it, I can definitely say that I’m proud of what I’ve become.

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5 responses to “Lonesome Hibernation

  1. Your post echoes EXACTLY what I think about fall—it always makes me reflect on the year. It sounds like you went through a lot of negative, but I so admire you for being able to see the positives too. I’m also with you on the skirts vs. pants thing—I love skirts! And I don’t mean this rudely, but your “virginity growing back” made me giggle. I’ve been there, sister. Anyways, I hope that Fall brings out a lot of good for you this year, lonely as it may be. xoxo

  2. If you see in your stats that I’ve been on your page for like, an hour, it’s because just as I wanted to comment I had to go install a printer on someone else’s computer. ARG!

    Anyway, I love autumn! 🙂 I love how it’s winter there in Dec and here it’s summer. We have a really HOT christmas. haha

    And I also think you should be very proud of what you’ve accomplished, through all the negatives that you’ve been dealing with. Not many people would be strong enough to come out the other side and still have a positive outlook on life. 🙂

  3. Good for you on looking out for yourself. Sometimes it’s a tricky thing to do, so good on you for being positive about it! 🙂

  4. Autumn has always been a reflective time for me too. I totally go into hibernation mode. Is a time when I think back to what I did or didnt do and what changes I want to make. You’ve been through a lot in a year. You should be proud of who you’ve become.

  5. this post = perfect. i resonate HEAVILY.
    fucking fall. I love it and yet I hate it because it always tricks me into thinking i need a boy around and it whips me into melancholy dreaming about the year past. Argh. today a year ago, I got in a car accident which spiraled me into a whole lot of shit. Glad that year is over.

    also, I get bored with blogs easily because I feel like people don’t show their true selves and instead just project an image of who they want to be. But you my new friend are not one of these fools. I feel like I can hear you talking through your blog and that is BOMB. Also, you are smart and crafty and funny and cool and you have a septum piercing which i once had as well.

    You are bomb schwiggity.

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