Over the past two weeks I have gone through an emotional roller coaster. I learned a lot about some of my friends that I was completely in the dark about, and learned a lot about myself in the process. With the recent visit of my friend Steve, I was reminded of how much my life has changed in the last two years, and how it has affected me and the people I surround myself with. A lot of it is related to positive personal growth, but I was surprised to find all of the negative under the surface.
I feel that I have lost touch with the internal happiness I used to carry around with me everywhere I go. I used to be the inspired by the slightest things. I’d wake up every morning wide eyed and excited for what was to come. But over the past two years, I feel that I’ve become disconnected. I’ve stopped paying attention to anything but my daily tasks and to do’s, and haven’t put any thought into what I’m doing or what makes me happy. I’ve started judging people and placing their negative qualities before the positive ones. I’ve become lazy and more stubborn, and have closed myself off to a lot of people. I’ve stopped putting in an effort to make friends, and have lost a few along the way.
I’ve wrapped myself in this invisible security blanket and have not wanted to get rid of it. I have a fear of leaving the area of the city that I live in, and am afraid of change. Moving last year was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make, and it took me a long time to build up the courage to make it. Even though I was living in a basement suite that wasn’t in any condition that was enjoyable, I was stuck. After moving to my new house (10 blocks away), I felt completely overwhelmed by the change in my daily activities, and found it hard not to be depressed. Although it was still in the area, the small daily changes caused me a lot of unexpected anxiety. It took me a long time to get used to where I’m living now, but somehow I’m still avoiding change everywhere I go. Change is good! Why have I been hiding?
Lastly, I’ve realized that I’m not passionate about a particular thing anymore. I used to be into makeup artistry and went to school for it, but I’ve barely used what I’ve learned. I don’t have any interest in pursuing anything with it and have a ton of debt as a result. But when I was in school I loved it. I used to look for inspiration in everything, and now I feel that I put no effort into it. I work day to day, run around the city doing things to cross of my to do list, come home, watch movies and hang out. I don’t have anything that I can pour myself into.
Verdict of all of this rambling: I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to become more like the person I was and start living! And I don’t mean going out to bars every weekend, I mean truly getting out there. Making an effort to put a spring in my step when challenges arise, and welcoming them. I’m going to learn to enjoy what we have around us. I’m going to start focusing on photography and hope to take a course this year. I’ve been telling myself so much that I miss school, so I think that this will be a good start. And I’m going to move, and be open to finding somewhere in a new area.
I’m learning to accept change, and feel that this year will be full of it.